Filed under: A Little Me, Open, Religion? What's that?, Remembering, Venting
There are very few things that I am insecure about. In fact I can only think of one at the moment.
My definition of fitting in doesn’t involve conforming to a norm to fit in with a group. To me, fitting in is establishing your own place within a group and having everyone accept it. That’s fitting in.
Living in a state where I am a minority has presented many challenges for me growing up. The community in which live is predominantly Mormon. Hell, most of my family is Mormon! It’s amazing how a kid can be affected by another kid telling them they can’t hang out with them because they are not Mormon. My brother was even put on the spot in his sixth grade class when the teacher asked how many students were not Mormon and he was the only one to raise his hand (my mom said had she known this happened when it did, she would have had that teacher’s job).
I have been raised to treat everyone well and to be a good person so growing up, I wasn’t as plucked out for not being Mormon. Most people were shocked when I told them I wasn’t (like it matters anyway). You don’t have to belong to a specific religion to be a good person. I’ve established my place as the girl with morals just as good as any person with strong religious beliefs.
But when someone tells me that I don’t fit in, either directly or indirectly, that is the one thing I have always taken to heart. And right now I’m working on fixing that.
For example, a couple years back, I auditioned for a singing and dancing group, the oldest in the studio that I had performed with for seven years. The reason I didn’t make the cut for the group is because I didn’t “fit in” with the group. When I saw a list of who did make it, I saw that all of them were Mormon and I was more talented than a few of them who did make it. My confidence in my performing abilities is so high that I would have rather the director tell me that I wasn’t good enough than what he said to me because I could have just brushed it off. I know that I’m a good singer and a fair dancer. It’s just a fact.
But because of what he said, I doubted myself. I cried myself to sleep that night because I never liked being the odd man out. It’s not that I want people to like me, but just to accept who I am. As long as they accept me and take me as how I am, I’m happy. Call me weird, but I like the people who see me as I am and don’t like me more than the people who are too busy judging me to even get to know me.
There was a moment yesterday where I felt so out of my element that I fell into that place again. Fortunately though, it was a wake up call for me rather than a moment of complete doubt. I discovered what it is that I should be doing with my life. I learned that I shouldn’t have to put up with the petty things people say, that I shouldn’t take it to heart but to move past it and be a better person for it. They are just a pimple on my ass (as my mom so aptly put it) and I have every right to squeeze them out of my life. A little pain at first followed by relief.
If someone doesn’t accept you, that is their own problem not yours. It could be because of jealousy or another stupid reason but that shouldn’t affect how you see yourself. Your opinion is the only one that matters in the end. Find the people that do see you and take you as you are because they are the only ones worth knowing anyways.
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